golden, million-dollar babies

where gossip and empathy coexist

Dorota and Blair from Gossip Girl

In middle school, all the girls in my small class created a group we called the 'gossip circle.' It was born from a mutual disinterest in P.E. Our gym teacher would give us free time at the end of class to play whatever sports or activities we wanted; instead, we would gather on the cold wooden flooring of the basketball court in a circle formation and, one by one, share and comment on the hot gossip in our 12-year-old lives. Debating who was the cutest boy, debriefing Kik messages on our smuggled iPod touches, sharing answers for class quizzes, and gasping at miscellaneous celebrity drama filled the duration of time. Once the bell rang, we disbanded, waiting to reconvene in the next period. Gossip circle wasn't about being catty or mean but rather was a space for us girls to come together, socialize, and share with each other, despite our different friend circles and social statuses. Gossip circle was for the people, as I remember it.

While gossip generally has a very negative connotation, psychological and sociological studies have shown its benefits in social bonding and evolution. In Robin Dunbar's evolutionary theories, gossip originated to help bond groups that were constantly growing in size. To survive, individuals need alliances, but as these alliances grow larger, it becomes basically impossible to physically connect with everyone. So, information was passed through the grapevine. Gossip, in this view, is a system of oral storytelling essential to the social process. However, the more gossip became regarded as a women's activity, the more the negative stigma towards the practice grew. It was seen as a cheap pastime taken up by homemakers envious of the lives of other women of higher status than them. In medieval times, a humiliation device called the scold's bridle was used as punishment for women accused of gossip to prevent them from speaking. What was once a meaningful social tool turned into a shameful hobby performed by “bitter” women

As thinkers and historians uncover the history of gossip and its misconstrued intentions, a reclaiming of the act by feminists has risen in modern times. One example of this is a podcast I personally love called Normal Gossip hosted by Kelsey McKinney. In the show, McKinney tries to destigmatize the controversial pastime by sharing listener-submitted stories of “normal gossip,” “juicy, strange, funny, and utterly banal gossip about people you’ll never know and never meet.”

This hilarious show highlights the parts of gossip we love—how stories can bring us together, make us laugh, help us understand others better, and teach us valuable lessons on what to and not to do. In each episode McKinney has her guests explain their relationship toward gossip, which is usually a lighthearted or positive take. However, on a recent episode featuring author and linguist Amanda Montell, she explained both her positive and negative feelings toward gossip, the negative being a psychological concept called spontaneous trait transference.

It's a psychological phenomenon where the traits you ascribe to others become attributed to you. In other words, you are perceived how you tend to talk about others. The way we regard other people is in many ways a reflection of who we are, and the judgments we extend. It makes sense—the things we constantly meditate on and speak out manifest into our reality, and that works for both positive and negative attributes and circumstances. The truth is, talking about others in our day-to-day lives is unavoidable. Discussing relationships and connections is a part of the human experience; gossip is part of who we are as humans. However, when our circles of community turn into hateful echo chambers, we risk not only damaging the reputation and self-esteem of our subjects but also risk adopting the very negative traits we share our opinions on, and being perceived as the very thing we despise. Proverbs explains this, saying life and death lie in the power of the tongue; the law of attraction says what you speak will come to you, and Taylor Swift says karma is the breeze in her hair on the weekend—the idea in all is the same: words don't just fall from our mouths into oblivion; they are like seeds sown onto soil, destined to sprout. The way that we think and speak about ourselves and others matters.

Musician BasedGod, aka Lil B, gave a lecture at NYU in 2012. In it, he talked mainly about love, how to seek, cultivate, and spread it. The 80-minute, unscripted lecture was filled with wise breadcrumbs about life, love, and forgiveness, and Lil B’s extreme gratitude shines through the entire time—it's truly a beautiful, raw presentation. I first heard about it when Frank Ocean opened his 2012 open letter with the quote, “BASEDGOD WAS RIGHT.”

In the lecture, he explained how he learned to love and appreciate others unconditionally by looking at everyone like they were a baby, adding that no one really asked to be here, and since we’re all doing this for the first time, everyone deserves forgiveness for their shortcomings in humanity.

“Appreciate every single person. Look at them like a golden, million-dollar baby.”

Imagine the person who you're about to talk about is a newborn baby, which we all once were. Could you say those things to a precious golden, million-dollar baby? If the answer is no, then you're better off not saying it. The same goes for when we speak about ourselves; you're speaking about the current version of you, but also your 12-year-old self, your 6-year-old self, and you as a newborn baby—what would you say to them? The idea that there is an inherent, special value to every single person allows us to move in this world with deep empathy. Leading with this empathy will transform and shape our interactions, allowing us to connect fully and authentically. As 12-year-old girls, we felt the power in creating a stripped-down space that was for all the girls where all takes were valid. Understanding was born, and we could see each other for who we all were and not just the assumptions we had. Everyone can and should cultivate these spaces wherever they go.

We are all just golden, million-dollar babies. Everybody is somebody; everyone is trying.